Social life, what social life....

So I go through these times when I get the itch to actually have a social life. Definitely not a consistent feeling but now is one of those times.

However, I am lacking in people to go out with. My younger sister (6 years younger) is usually up for grabbing a drink or dinner now and then but she is still in that age where most of her friends are single and always down for party town. (Maybe saying things like that is why people don't want to go out with me.) I also have an open invitation to hang out on my brothers porch for a wine night with my sister and sister in law, which is always fun, but again not the same as going out to a restaurant or bar. 

A good percentage of my friends are out of town, married, have kids, or married with kids living out of town so their time is pretty well taken up. And...to be very very clear, I love that my friends have amazing families and I love their kids and always enjoy spending time with them... even though those times may be few and far between. 

But there are those times when I miss being able to go out to a bar on a Saturday night, last minute, with a group of friends without having to worry about babysitters, bedtimes, and pumping schedules. 

I don't feel any need to go out and get married and have kids just to join the crew, but there are times I think it would be easier if I was at the same point in my life.  It also doesn't help that during the school year I can't really go out during the week so dates and happy hours are cut short, if possible at all. 

For happy hours and dates this year, I am going to make more of an effort to get out later/longer than I have in the past, but these would probably end up being with bumble dudes but I would like to find a way to get more "out on the town" time with my friends who are moms and dads.  

Summa' Summa' Summaaahhh time!

So its (a little more than) half way through the summer and I have done absolutely nothing productive. How great is that?!

There have been a couple big things that have happened since school let out but none of which actually required work on my end. . 

1. Got my first round of botox for this stupid daily headache I have had since February. I've had no sense its been working but I have to wait until/after the next round to really see.

2. I turned 33. I have not been celebrating my birthday recently because it never turns out the way I would want and I always end up super depressed. However, this year I decided to give in and do something fun. I went out to breakfast with Rachel and her little one Lily. Then I went out to dinner with my family at trivia night at Brion's Grill. It was hard! But I think we did ok over all... at least we weren't last. 

But the ABSOLUTELY MOST AMAZING THING THAT HAPPENED....

Evan 💗💗💗

Evan Christopher was born on July 9th at a whopping 10lbs and 22 inchs. I dont know how my poor sister in law carried him that last month. 

He is so cute and our whole family is already obsessed with him.

Not to shabby of a summer so far and with a few fun things left to do I'm looking forward to the rest of it.  

Why Can't I Let Things Go....

Even though I'd like to think that I'm doing relatively well, I have never been able to get away from my impulsive thoughts and actions. I have been able to tamp down the intensity of the impulses, but have never been able to get away from them fully. 

I have so many feelings from the situation in the fall that remain unspoken. I am finding it harder and harder to walk away from a situation which has the potential to allow me to let those feelings out. I am also finding I have more impulses to try to pull someone into some sort of confrontation so that I can finally release. 

I am finally on speaking terms with that guy and now all I see myself doing is setting myself up for a break down between us if I finally get out the feelings I have raging inside my brain. 

This isn't the only type of situation I find myself in which I can't keep my impulses in check. 

I need to find another way in which to let my pent up emotions go in a safe and productive manner, instead of letting them bounce around my brain until they cause breakdowns in my relationships. 



UPDATE: Completely cut ties. Never have any intention of contacting him or responding to any attempts at contact again. 

Jelly Bean and Noel

 

Cuddling with momma

So these lovely ladies are my two pet rats. I know, weird, right?

Probably seems weird but I LOVE having them. Rats actually make amazing pets.

The grey one is Jelly Bean (named by my students last year) and the black/ white one is Holly.

Jelly Bean is a Dumbo rat. She has these adorable big ears that sit on the side of her flat head. It makes her look laid back and happy all the time. She is also a super fatty so its the best when she just curls up into a big fat ball on your lap. Of the two of them, Jelly Bean is definitely the cuddler. She loves being pet and will flip on her back for a good belly rub. She will almost go comatose if you start petting her with a small hairbrush. Loves it!

I've had Jelly Bean for about a year and a half already. Unfortunately, rats have a short life span so she is already middle aged. Since they only live till 3, 3 1/2 years,  I figure I should spoil them as much as I can while i have them. 

Holly is the baby. She is about 6 months old. She is a hooded rat, part of the "fancy rat" group. I got her on a whim after a happy hour one day after a hard week of work. :-) She was so tiny!!! And super crazy. She still is the crazy one. Constantly running around, causing mischief. I literally just caught her stealing a votive candle from one of my candle holders and hopping across the floor with it in her mouth. Just like Jelly's ears give her a certain (and fitting) look, Holly's ears sit higher on her head, making her look super curious about everything which completely matches her personality. 

So I got Jelly Bean with the intent on making her a class pet but when I first got her she was so hyper, I thought it would not be a good idea to take her to school. I thought she was crazy and that was how she would be as an adult. Then Holly joined our family. She was just as crazy as JB was when she was a puppy. It's funny to watch them together now. It took a while for them to be able to live in the same cage (which is always preferable as rats are very social and loooooovvvvveeee being with other rats and people). Now, its clear they love each other but Holly overruns JB all the time. JB will be sitting there on the couch and Holly runs and tackles her. At first I was nervous about this interaction but then after a few squeaks, Holly just starts giving her sister a bath. It's pretty adorable.  

I should probably not add any more to the family but I'm not sure I can help myself. Since cats and most dogs are not an option, rats are a great way to keep a fuzzy loving animal in the house. 

New Mindset

So hopefully this is one of the last posts of "woe is me" type subjects. 

So through all of this back and forth with this guy and the difficult time I have been going through have made me start to re-realize that I can't let other peoples decisions dictate my emotional state. 

I fall into this negative thought process of expecting people (friends, family, etc.) to do what I would do in any given situation. I hold people to an expectation that really doesn't work when I honestly think about the type of relationship I have with that individual.  Creating such expectations in my mind just leads to resentment and anger and that is not how I want to live my life. This applies to more people in my life than I am comfortable with.  

For this most recent situation, I have come to realize that although I want to remain friends with this guy and he claims to want to get back to friendship with me, the strategies we want to use to get there are mutually exclusive. 

He wants to cut ties totally until he is ready, which I understand even if I don't like it. But we work together, so all I get anytime I'm in the  same room is anger and daggers. My response to that is to reach out and try to at least show him that I'm trying to recognize its difficult for him and I'm not trying to make it any more of a struggle than it is. I realize that any contact is hard (which he reminds me of every time) but its one of the only ways I can cope. I'm so hurt and so sad that this is how this situation turned out, I am struggling emotionally. On top of that hurt, I also have a daily reminder that he basically hates me and isn't even trying to make our work situation anything but miserable. 

So his desire to have no contact and my need to try to keep a link with him are only creating constant conflict. These two needs can not coexist. So instead of trying to force him to change or for me to be miserable waiting in limbo, I have decided that the thing that needs to be altered is the final outcome. 

As sad as I am about it, friendship is no longer the goal. It's not eliminated but I I can not go on waiting for an indeterminate amount of time. The goal is moving forward and if he ever gets to a point where he wants to try friendship, I hope I am still available. 

I have a hard time walking away from things, so I am going to try my best to keep to my new mindset. 

Hiccups

So in my Clifnotes, I mentioned that I have been doing really well over the last few years in terms of managing my bipolar. I am on a good med cocktail, I am continuing therapy, and I have been able to take the time and self assess then self correct when I am struggling. I have had a few bigger hiccups over the last few years and unfortunately I am in the middle of one right now. 

I had a falling out with a friend recently (well actually a guy friend with whom I dated briefly) and I am having a difficult time dealing with it. I keep feeling these strong feelings but they are overwhelmingly platonic. Certain issues definitely make me emote more than others and when I show/share those feelings, I keep getting the feedback that those feelings only come with romantic intentions. I know that dating is not what I want so I had to figure out why these things were irking me so much. 

I surveyed some friends and realized that I feel things much differently than others. Which I knew for the most part, but since relationships are new to me, I didn't realize how different my feelings are in this situation.  I am also starting to learn that I'm backward from most of the people I know. I've always though that if you dated someone, it made sense to try to be friends because spending so much time together, you end up sharing so much and making so many memories together. So the idea of needing to completely shut off any contact from someone you care/cared about, didn't make sense to me. 

I've been in the situation where I was the hurt party after dating someone and with the exception of a few random weeks, I never totally cut off the guy because I didn't want to lose him from my life. I figured if I was present and available for contact, I would be hard to walk away from. But with this guy, I'm afraid that is what is happening. 

This new situation has made me really question everything I've experienced. It has highlighted the extremes my mind goes to in every situation, even though  my bipolar is relatively stable.

Every feeling is magnified. This makes it hard to accept others opinions about a situation because my feelings are so big I can't see any thing around them. Anything that might simply annoy someone else is painful to me. Anything stressful that others might be able to handle without distress, creates extreme anxiety. My mind races and races, and inevitably ends up believing the most catastrophic situation. I have had to use anxiety meds recently just to get through the day. 

I just can't regulate my feelings and end up swinging back forth. As I try to balance out, I just end up swinging harder. For example, with this guy, he wants to completely cut contact for a while. So while I am trying to be patient, the longer it goes on, the longer I think he will walk away and to save my self, I am already thinking of completely cutting ties with him. But then I feel so sad and guilty because that's not something I want to do. Then it circulates again and again and again. 

It is exhausting to constantly have to try to recognize and attempt to balance out such intense emotions, all the time. People looking at me may not realize it, so when these emotions come out it can appear erratic or selfish. 

I have mostly come to terms with my BP but there are times like this when it is just so hard to work through it. 

And now I feel like I am becoming more and more isolated. He is able to commiserate with his friends and go out and continue on as if I was never part of his life.  As much as I appreciate my friends who have listened to me and support me, I still feel like a part of my life has been taken away. Just taken away but not hidden, still out there where I can see it, but always out of reach. 

Time Travel

So its been a little while since this blog has had any attention... So we will just go with the Clifnotes on what has happened in the last 7 years. 

- I changed schools twice, ending up at a high school still working with ID students. This is my 10th year teaching. 

- I completed my Master's in Education from Mason. 

- I completed the course work for the Applied Behavior Analysis program (still have to do supervision hours which is proven to need more attention than I originally thought.) 

- I owned a snake, a pig and rats (some over lap but not much)

- I have become an aunt to an amazing little man, and will have a second little niece or nephew this summer! 

- So many of my wonderful friends have gotten married and started families (most are on round two) so I consider myself a fake aunt to all of them. 

- I am working daily on my mental health and have been in a great place for the last couple years (with a few hiccups, but mostly great)

- I have made some great improvements to the house (funded by my great land lords) to include a new driveway, laminate flooring in the basement, brand new hardwood floors upstairs as well as a beautiful paint job in the rooms upstairs.
(Ill go into more detail in a later post.) 

-I have learned a lot about myself over the past 7 years and continue working on becoming a better me.  


I hope to use this blog to motivate myself to stay on course and work to expand my horizons.