New Mindset

So hopefully this is one of the last posts of "woe is me" type subjects. 

So through all of this back and forth with this guy and the difficult time I have been going through have made me start to re-realize that I can't let other peoples decisions dictate my emotional state. 

I fall into this negative thought process of expecting people (friends, family, etc.) to do what I would do in any given situation. I hold people to an expectation that really doesn't work when I honestly think about the type of relationship I have with that individual.  Creating such expectations in my mind just leads to resentment and anger and that is not how I want to live my life. This applies to more people in my life than I am comfortable with.  

For this most recent situation, I have come to realize that although I want to remain friends with this guy and he claims to want to get back to friendship with me, the strategies we want to use to get there are mutually exclusive. 

He wants to cut ties totally until he is ready, which I understand even if I don't like it. But we work together, so all I get anytime I'm in the  same room is anger and daggers. My response to that is to reach out and try to at least show him that I'm trying to recognize its difficult for him and I'm not trying to make it any more of a struggle than it is. I realize that any contact is hard (which he reminds me of every time) but its one of the only ways I can cope. I'm so hurt and so sad that this is how this situation turned out, I am struggling emotionally. On top of that hurt, I also have a daily reminder that he basically hates me and isn't even trying to make our work situation anything but miserable. 

So his desire to have no contact and my need to try to keep a link with him are only creating constant conflict. These two needs can not coexist. So instead of trying to force him to change or for me to be miserable waiting in limbo, I have decided that the thing that needs to be altered is the final outcome. 

As sad as I am about it, friendship is no longer the goal. It's not eliminated but I I can not go on waiting for an indeterminate amount of time. The goal is moving forward and if he ever gets to a point where he wants to try friendship, I hope I am still available. 

I have a hard time walking away from things, so I am going to try my best to keep to my new mindset. 

Hiccups

So in my Clifnotes, I mentioned that I have been doing really well over the last few years in terms of managing my bipolar. I am on a good med cocktail, I am continuing therapy, and I have been able to take the time and self assess then self correct when I am struggling. I have had a few bigger hiccups over the last few years and unfortunately I am in the middle of one right now. 

I had a falling out with a friend recently (well actually a guy friend with whom I dated briefly) and I am having a difficult time dealing with it. I keep feeling these strong feelings but they are overwhelmingly platonic. Certain issues definitely make me emote more than others and when I show/share those feelings, I keep getting the feedback that those feelings only come with romantic intentions. I know that dating is not what I want so I had to figure out why these things were irking me so much. 

I surveyed some friends and realized that I feel things much differently than others. Which I knew for the most part, but since relationships are new to me, I didn't realize how different my feelings are in this situation.  I am also starting to learn that I'm backward from most of the people I know. I've always though that if you dated someone, it made sense to try to be friends because spending so much time together, you end up sharing so much and making so many memories together. So the idea of needing to completely shut off any contact from someone you care/cared about, didn't make sense to me. 

I've been in the situation where I was the hurt party after dating someone and with the exception of a few random weeks, I never totally cut off the guy because I didn't want to lose him from my life. I figured if I was present and available for contact, I would be hard to walk away from. But with this guy, I'm afraid that is what is happening. 

This new situation has made me really question everything I've experienced. It has highlighted the extremes my mind goes to in every situation, even though  my bipolar is relatively stable.

Every feeling is magnified. This makes it hard to accept others opinions about a situation because my feelings are so big I can't see any thing around them. Anything that might simply annoy someone else is painful to me. Anything stressful that others might be able to handle without distress, creates extreme anxiety. My mind races and races, and inevitably ends up believing the most catastrophic situation. I have had to use anxiety meds recently just to get through the day. 

I just can't regulate my feelings and end up swinging back forth. As I try to balance out, I just end up swinging harder. For example, with this guy, he wants to completely cut contact for a while. So while I am trying to be patient, the longer it goes on, the longer I think he will walk away and to save my self, I am already thinking of completely cutting ties with him. But then I feel so sad and guilty because that's not something I want to do. Then it circulates again and again and again. 

It is exhausting to constantly have to try to recognize and attempt to balance out such intense emotions, all the time. People looking at me may not realize it, so when these emotions come out it can appear erratic or selfish. 

I have mostly come to terms with my BP but there are times like this when it is just so hard to work through it. 

And now I feel like I am becoming more and more isolated. He is able to commiserate with his friends and go out and continue on as if I was never part of his life.  As much as I appreciate my friends who have listened to me and support me, I still feel like a part of my life has been taken away. Just taken away but not hidden, still out there where I can see it, but always out of reach. 

Time Travel

So its been a little while since this blog has had any attention... So we will just go with the Clifnotes on what has happened in the last 7 years. 

- I changed schools twice, ending up at a high school still working with ID students. This is my 10th year teaching. 

- I completed my Master's in Education from Mason. 

- I completed the course work for the Applied Behavior Analysis program (still have to do supervision hours which is proven to need more attention than I originally thought.) 

- I owned a snake, a pig and rats (some over lap but not much)

- I have become an aunt to an amazing little man, and will have a second little niece or nephew this summer! 

- So many of my wonderful friends have gotten married and started families (most are on round two) so I consider myself a fake aunt to all of them. 

- I am working daily on my mental health and have been in a great place for the last couple years (with a few hiccups, but mostly great)

- I have made some great improvements to the house (funded by my great land lords) to include a new driveway, laminate flooring in the basement, brand new hardwood floors upstairs as well as a beautiful paint job in the rooms upstairs.
(Ill go into more detail in a later post.) 

-I have learned a lot about myself over the past 7 years and continue working on becoming a better me.  


I hope to use this blog to motivate myself to stay on course and work to expand my horizons.