Hiccups

So in my Clifnotes, I mentioned that I have been doing really well over the last few years in terms of managing my bipolar. I am on a good med cocktail, I am continuing therapy, and I have been able to take the time and self assess then self correct when I am struggling. I have had a few bigger hiccups over the last few years and unfortunately I am in the middle of one right now. 

I had a falling out with a friend recently (well actually a guy friend with whom I dated briefly) and I am having a difficult time dealing with it. I keep feeling these strong feelings but they are overwhelmingly platonic. Certain issues definitely make me emote more than others and when I show/share those feelings, I keep getting the feedback that those feelings only come with romantic intentions. I know that dating is not what I want so I had to figure out why these things were irking me so much. 

I surveyed some friends and realized that I feel things much differently than others. Which I knew for the most part, but since relationships are new to me, I didn't realize how different my feelings are in this situation.  I am also starting to learn that I'm backward from most of the people I know. I've always though that if you dated someone, it made sense to try to be friends because spending so much time together, you end up sharing so much and making so many memories together. So the idea of needing to completely shut off any contact from someone you care/cared about, didn't make sense to me. 

I've been in the situation where I was the hurt party after dating someone and with the exception of a few random weeks, I never totally cut off the guy because I didn't want to lose him from my life. I figured if I was present and available for contact, I would be hard to walk away from. But with this guy, I'm afraid that is what is happening. 

This new situation has made me really question everything I've experienced. It has highlighted the extremes my mind goes to in every situation, even though  my bipolar is relatively stable.

Every feeling is magnified. This makes it hard to accept others opinions about a situation because my feelings are so big I can't see any thing around them. Anything that might simply annoy someone else is painful to me. Anything stressful that others might be able to handle without distress, creates extreme anxiety. My mind races and races, and inevitably ends up believing the most catastrophic situation. I have had to use anxiety meds recently just to get through the day. 

I just can't regulate my feelings and end up swinging back forth. As I try to balance out, I just end up swinging harder. For example, with this guy, he wants to completely cut contact for a while. So while I am trying to be patient, the longer it goes on, the longer I think he will walk away and to save my self, I am already thinking of completely cutting ties with him. But then I feel so sad and guilty because that's not something I want to do. Then it circulates again and again and again. 

It is exhausting to constantly have to try to recognize and attempt to balance out such intense emotions, all the time. People looking at me may not realize it, so when these emotions come out it can appear erratic or selfish. 

I have mostly come to terms with my BP but there are times like this when it is just so hard to work through it. 

And now I feel like I am becoming more and more isolated. He is able to commiserate with his friends and go out and continue on as if I was never part of his life.  As much as I appreciate my friends who have listened to me and support me, I still feel like a part of my life has been taken away. Just taken away but not hidden, still out there where I can see it, but always out of reach.