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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Update

Only been 3 months since I blizzoged... shorter than I expected actually.  So the last entry I made explained my awesome mental health issues. Since that entry, I have learned a lot more about the state of Katie. I had a huge breakdown shortly after my last entry. One of those nights that really put into perspective the urgency of my situation. My mom and I even considered inpatient treatment.

I met with a psychiatrist soon after and after we talked she told me that she did not think that my issue was purely depression. She used the term "mood disorder with bipolar tendencies." This was not an easy thing to hear. Bipolar is such a heavy term but it really makes sense. She explained it as over reacting to any situation so for example, when something happens to me that would annoy a stable person,  I would go overboard and could not control my reactions to it, whether it be anger, happiness, sadness, anxiety, whatever.  She also said that the medication I was talking could actually make my symptoms worse. Blerg! So over the last few months I have gotten off that medication and on to mood stabilizers. I am still having mood swings but on the whole I think I am doing better.

My new meds are pretty awesome. There is one I can only take at night because it make me REALLY loopy. About 30 minutes after I take it, I feel like Im drunk. Like that really happy, can't feel your face,  yelling at the tv drunk. Its pretty fantastic but it also means I am slightly tied to my house during the week. I have to take it semi early in the night so I won't have a drug hangover in the AM (hangover + IDS teacher = not awesome).

I am structuring my time more too. Im not necessarily running around doing things all over the place but I have activities at my disposal that I can do to keep my mind busy. I have been reading A LOT which I am loving. I have been cooking more too.


The best thing I can say that came out of this entire situation is that I have come to realize:

I have the most amazing friends and family. I think the outcome of this would have been much different if I did not have these amazing people helping me through the hard parts.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Just a little background....

I'm really only aware of 3 people who read this semi-regularly, and all of those people know what has been going on with me for the last few weeks....butttt

For those of you who randomly stumble across this blog, get ready for some personal information. This is therapeutic for me, so you can just skip this post if you are not interested in the inner workings of my crazy mind.

Do not let this define how you think of me, just know that it is a part of who I am. I am no longer hiding such a formative part of my life.

So I have suffered from clinical depression since I was 14 or so.  I have always been  a "deep feeler" so I did not put the two ("deep feeling" and depression) until I was in college, when I finally broke down and went to therapy. In hindsight, I realized that my crazy periods in highschool were most likely the culmination of this depression. Probably should have gotten my head shrunk in high school, but oh well.
Initially, I was so against any form of medication because I did not want my issues to define me or control my life. Also, when I was going through these depressive cycles, I felt so unlike myself anyway that I did not want medication to make me feel even more alien in my own skin.

I finally realized that unless I could stay balanced enough, I would always be in the shadow of my depression (Sounds like a lame Paxil commercial, right?)  About 1.5/2 years ago I decided to start anti-depressants after a particularly crazy night of me standing in the middle of a bar sobbing for no reason. This was not the way I wanted to live my life.
Getting on meds was the best decision I have ever made (well, maybe tied with deciding to start teaching).

Anyways, after an excellent June and July, I began to notice I was having more "not so good" days than normal. I was at the beach for 3 weeks and had a great time with each group I was with, but could tell that it was becoming more work to stay social. After I got back and started work, it felt like a huge wall just hit me out of nowhere.
I am nervous that my meds have stopped working, or at least as effectively as they used to. I have had hard days over the last few years but not so intense as these last few weeks.
It manifests in several ways but one thing that is really difficult to handle is the social anxiety.  I get lonely sitting at home and would initiate some contact with friends, but if friends actually invited me to do something, I would decline. I would then feel guilty for not wanting to see them and would try to pump myself up to get out of the house. This would only lead to a bigger breakdown. I could only handle the thought of seeing one specific person at a time.

The last week or so I have felt myself staying happier for longer periods of time, but I am still having quite a bit of social anxiety.  I went to a BBQ/outdoor movie at a friends house. I thought it was going to be just a handful of people, so when it turned out that there were about 2 handfuls of people, it took a lot of strength to keep it together and actually stay. I also wanted to go hang out with my brother, but the thought of being around so many people was a little much, so I stayed home and watched X-Files all night.

Anyways, I am going to talk to a psychiatrist soon and hopefully get back into treatment to keep me on track.

Besides being away, I have not written here for such a long time because I have had nothing of happy note to pass along. However, now that this info is out there, I hope that getting back into this blog will help keep me motivated to get out and do things. Or at least give me an emotional outlet.

Thanks for listening.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

What do you mean I haven't been blogging?!

Once again, I have failed at keeping up with this blog. This entry is more of a starting point for me to get back in gear. 

I will be back later today with more of an update. 


Ok Dorsa?? Teheheh. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

Mahalo

This last weekend was a blast! After a fantastic lunch with some co-workers, I headed down to Harrisonburg to visit my college roommate Sam. I met Sam and her boyfriend Jeb at their apartment which is super cute and tucked away in this quiet spot of land in the middle of the city. It is really great. They had already ordered pizza so we sat down to have a bite to eat and wait for Sam's sister Liz to come over. We then headed out to a winery for the sunset.

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We went to Barren Ridge winery.  It is a BEAUTIFUL location and they have this sprawling deck that you can sit out on and watch the sun set. Of course it was cloudy when we went, threatening rain, but it was still an incredible place to visit.

They have a list of 14 wines, only a few of which I was not a huge fan of. I would definitely order bottles from them (they are not stocked in most stores). The guy doing our tasting was really cool. Ryan, used to live on the North Shore of Hawaii but moved back home and started working at the winery. He had dreads... they were awesome.  He was really knowledgeable about the wines as well but without making you feel like an idiot when you commented on a wine.

A really cool part of this winery is that they will let you sit out on the porch for as long as you want even after the tasting room is closed. So the 4 of us split a bottle of Viognier and just sat on the porch as the light faded. Afterward we went back and hung out at Sammi's place for the night.

Saturday was the main event. Sam's parents have an annual summer party, "The Luau." We went over early, around 1 or so, to help set up and hang out by the pool. The Workmans really go above and beyond when setting up for the Luau. About 40 people came, so it was more tame then past years but I still had a blast. There is beer pong, corn hole, a pool, good music, lots of food and fun people.

It was great hanging out with the Workman family. I will have to make more of an effort to visit Sam and Jaq more frequently. :-)

It definitely took more time to recover than it has in last years, but I guess thats just the price you pay for getting older :-)

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Handyman Kate

Who has two thumbs and changed the flush lever in her toilet all by herself?!





THIS GIRL!!! 

Thats right, ladies and gents. (really just ladies seeing as how only my mom, sister and bestie Dorsa read this).  I took a trip to the HDep today looking for a hook or clasp to secure the chain attached to the plug thing in the toilet tank. Mine has been broken for a while. I have tried using bobby pins to hold it to the lever arm but they keep rusting through. When it doesn't have any thing there, the chain slips every flush so you have to open the tank every 3 or 4 flushes to tighten it up. Annnnywho, I went to HD and looked around but couldn't find any simple hardware so I bought a new fancy handle. (It actually looks pretty similar to my old one but the new one has the perfect holder for the ball chain so it cant slip. Its also made of plastic so it wont rust out on me either.) 

I was pretty proud of myself. It looks good and actually works!!! I may or may not have flushed it several times in celebration :-) 

I also picked up some more spray paint to paint the rest of the plastic chairs for my deck. Then that got me thinking about the deck. I really need to stain or seal it. It is a pretty big undertaking so I need to do a little more research about the color, what type of stain/sealant I want, and who can I sucker into helping me complete this task. 

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Just googled some swatches and here are some semi-ideas. I like the lighter colors a little better (Bright Cedar is my fav from this group, then Cedar Tone). Any sort of paint project gets me pretty overwhelmed.

While on the topic of home repair/updates, I have been up to my eyeballs in curtains. I need to replace the curtains all over the house. It is not an easy task. I have things in mind but cant find them for a reasonable price online. I have to go out to the stores and see what is out there but that is, again, super overwhelming. I  really want this house to look as awesome as I think it is.




Well I am going to go finish my big cup o' coffee and enjoy the day. I went to the library on Tuesday and got 2 James Patterson books (one of which I finished last night) and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I have plenty of reading to do and my house could definitely use a good cleaning. Lets see how far I get with that.... Place your bets!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Oops

Ok again with the horribleness of keeping up with this thing.

I had a pretty fun weekend. I went to a "Slumber Party" at my friends house and came back with some fun goodies. I am thinking about becoming a consultant. The parties are always fun and you can make decent money (which I am in desperate need of).

I also hit up the KegBus for a friends birthday party. Super fun to see people but DC gets a little much for me sometimes so I peaced out early. And by early I mean like 2am. Oy! I was exhausted the next day.

Ive been pretty lazy during the week. I need to turn that around. I was watching TV and this commercial for arthritis came on and said "A body in motion stays in motion, while a body at rest stays at rest." For some reason that really kicked me in the pants. Even if I don't have errands to run, there are plenty of things I can do around the house to keep me busy. I just need to stay in motion.

Speaking of errands, I am going to run to the library (get myself a library card and some books) and pick up contacts from the eye doc.  Hopefully that will get my engine going and I can keep myself moving today.

Happy Tuesday!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Karma, my ass

So I forgot to mention that this past Saturday, before I headed to National Harbor for my friends wedding, I stopped at the Subway close to my house to grab a sub for a late lunch. My mom had stopped by that morning too to check up on things and we ended up chatting for a while (I heart my mom soo much) so I was already running a little bit behind. Annnnyway, at Subway I was about the 4th person in line behind two older high school guys and a much older gentleman. The older gent was at the counter trying to order his sandwich. You could see that something was not right. He had a hard time concentrating, he wasn't answering the woman behind the counter and his movements were definitely stressed. I went up and offered to help him order, trying a different approach. He kept grasping on to the plastic barrier like he was going to fall so one of the boys tried to help him over to a chair. The older man almost fell down so we decided to bring the chair to him. We got him in the chair alright but he was still pale and having a hard time answering.  It turns out his wife was with him so I let her know that something was going on with her husband.  She came over and let us know that he was acting weird before and that is why they came in, to get him something to eat. Turns out he was diabetic as well. We got him some apple juice and he slowly started to regain some color and become more aware. I told his wife that I was going to call 911 anyway because I wanted to make sure that everything was check out. He was 87 after all. Can't be too safe.  So I called 911 from some womans phone (of course I left mine in the car.... figures) and waited till the ambulance got there. The fireman and the paramedics took over and I knew the gentleman was in good hands.

I live for things like that (throwback to my athletic training days), but this one was much harder. The gent reminded me of my grandfather, who passed away in January, so I got a little emotional when I got back into my car after everything was done.

Butttttt now for the karma part. Somewhere between getting home on Sunday from the wedding and leaving my house Monday afternoon (close to about 24 hours), my car was hit while sitting in front of my house.



Of course, there was no note, no nothing to let me know what happened. It is not a scratch either. My mom thinks that it was a head on hit. And by the looks of it, it had to be a truck or SUV of some sort.

This is the first time I have ever had to deal with anything like this so I called my brother frantically (he is my insurance agent) and he told me what to do. I just got back from getting an estimate for the damages and it is at least $1000 worth of repairs needed (probably going to go up). Thank you Nationwide/my Big brother for making sure I have good coverage!


Check out some other pics I took of it.






 So much for doing good deeds!



Well I won't stop helping people if needed, but I will be looking over my shoulder a little bit more waiting for the next car accident. UGH!


Ok. Well at least this got me up for the day. Lets hope I can make something useful happen today.
Happy Wednesday!