New Mindset

So hopefully this is one of the last posts of "woe is me" type subjects. 

So through all of this back and forth with this guy and the difficult time I have been going through have made me start to re-realize that I can't let other peoples decisions dictate my emotional state. 

I fall into this negative thought process of expecting people (friends, family, etc.) to do what I would do in any given situation. I hold people to an expectation that really doesn't work when I honestly think about the type of relationship I have with that individual.  Creating such expectations in my mind just leads to resentment and anger and that is not how I want to live my life. This applies to more people in my life than I am comfortable with.  

For this most recent situation, I have come to realize that although I want to remain friends with this guy and he claims to want to get back to friendship with me, the strategies we want to use to get there are mutually exclusive. 

He wants to cut ties totally until he is ready, which I understand even if I don't like it. But we work together, so all I get anytime I'm in the  same room is anger and daggers. My response to that is to reach out and try to at least show him that I'm trying to recognize its difficult for him and I'm not trying to make it any more of a struggle than it is. I realize that any contact is hard (which he reminds me of every time) but its one of the only ways I can cope. I'm so hurt and so sad that this is how this situation turned out, I am struggling emotionally. On top of that hurt, I also have a daily reminder that he basically hates me and isn't even trying to make our work situation anything but miserable. 

So his desire to have no contact and my need to try to keep a link with him are only creating constant conflict. These two needs can not coexist. So instead of trying to force him to change or for me to be miserable waiting in limbo, I have decided that the thing that needs to be altered is the final outcome. 

As sad as I am about it, friendship is no longer the goal. It's not eliminated but I I can not go on waiting for an indeterminate amount of time. The goal is moving forward and if he ever gets to a point where he wants to try friendship, I hope I am still available. 

I have a hard time walking away from things, so I am going to try my best to keep to my new mindset.